I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
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Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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