I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
