I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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