I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
