Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
