Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
