no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
