You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
