then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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