So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
