I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
