you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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