my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
