I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
