I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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