Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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