I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
