I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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