Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
