I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
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This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
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And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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