she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I think my moral compass just broke
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
