i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
