just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
