You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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