Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
