Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
