I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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