Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
