The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
