So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
