i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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