i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
