i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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