Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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