Where are you?
In a non slutty way
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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