Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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