i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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