There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
