the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
