If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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