I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
