So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
