First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
