he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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