We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
