I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
