Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
That accounts for only three of the penises
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Randomize
