using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
