Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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