I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
