This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
