I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
