I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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